How To Stop Chasing Validation

Ever notice how chasing thumbs-ups and gold stars can suck the fun out of life? When I’m stuck waiting for someone else to give me the green light, it feels like I’m sitting backstage, missing my own show. Too much outside approval leaves everyone stressed, second-guessing, and secretly worried we’ll never measure up.

It’s time to swap the search for outside nods with a little inner spotlight. The real perk? More laughs, less pressure, and the thrill of doing things because I want to—no permission slips required.

The Sneaky Ways We Get Hooked on Validation

Sometimes, needing a thumbs-up isn’t just a grown-up thing. Turns out, it starts way before we ever worried about how many likes our beach photo would get. The hunt for validation sneaks in during childhood and then cranks up when social media enters the chat. If you’ve ever wondered why you feel like a performing seal waiting for a fish, the answer usually goes way back and runs way deeper than you’d expect.

How Childhood Set Us Up

From finger-painting to spelling bees, childhood was a running tally of gold stars, “good jobs,” and, yes, the dreaded look of disappointment. If you nailed a test, everybody celebrated. If you spilled milk (again), you felt the sting of criticism. This early feedback isn’t just water under the bridge—it actually shapes what we crave.

Praising every drawing or every soccer kick, while well-meaning, can make approval feel as important as air. But the scales tip both ways:

• Too much praise? Risk of feeling like you always have to be the best, or none of it counts.
• Too much criticism? Constant fear of messing up, and you start thinking, “Maybe I’m just not enough.”
• Over-the-top attention? The message: Pay attention to how people react to everything you do.

When our adult brains start doubting ourselves, it’s often those childhood patterns running the show. Research even shows how both praise and criticism can shape our self-image and drive for approval (Understanding the Impact of Excessive Praise; Parents’ Use of Praise and Criticism). Getting hooked on the approval loop as a kid sets us up to search for it everywhere.

The Like Button Trap

Cue the entrance of social media, and now our self-worth is just one double-tap away. It’s the perfect storm of instant feedback mixed with a dash of suspense. Post a picture, wait for likes and boom—a tiny jolt of happiness (hello, dopamine!). It feels amazing… until it doesn’t.

Social media adds fuel to that childhood craving for approval by:

• Turning our lives into highlight reels designed for applause.
• Making “likes” feel like a public scoreboard for our worth.
• Handing out highs (lots of likes!) and lows (crickets, anyone?) that keep us chasing the next win.

It’s addictive because it hits the same part of the brain as sugar and even gambling. But when the likes slow down or the comments go silent, the crash comes quick. That’s why scrolling and posting can leave us feeling great one minute, then oddly empty the next. According to experts, using social media for reassurance sets up a never-ending cycle of check, post, repeat (Using Social Media for Reassurance and Validation).

Our brains love the “like” buzz, but it can turn validation into a slot machine and we’re all just pulling for the next jackpot.

The Downside of Playing the Validation Game

The search for approval isn’t just an innocent habit, it’s an emotional wild ride that most of us wish we could step off. One moment, you’re soaring after a compliment. The next, you’re convinced everyone’s quietly judging you for your lunch order. Relying on others to cheer us on feels safe for a second, but it puts our mood and personality on a bumpy rollercoaster. Let’s take a closer look at why always fishing for praise can flatten your spark.

Mood Swings on Demand

Photo by Ron Lach

When you hand over the keys to your happiness, life turns into a nonstop mood lottery. Every smile, like, or comment is a spin of the wheel. Did your friend text you back in less than five minutes? Boom—instant joy. No response? Welcome to the worry spiral. The link between other people’s reactions and our emotional weather gets super tight.

Here’s what this rollercoaster can look like:

• Highs: Compliments or positive feedback send us sailing. It’s that quick rush that feels as good as spotting an extra fry at the bottom of the bag.
• Lows: Even a small slight (real or imagined) can deflate us. Someone cancels plans or forgets to comment, and suddenly, the day goes gray.
• Constant Checking: Endlessly refreshing notifications, replaying conversations in your head, or reading into every tiny signal.

This habit quietly amps up anxiety. Second-guessing starts to feel like a new hobby and every awkward silence turns into “they must not like me.” When our mood depends on others, happiness gets wobbly and stress sneaks in with every “seen” but no reply. Want proof? According to mental health experts, tying self-worth to outside responses makes us more vulnerable to emotional crashes, especially after any hint of rejection or criticism.

Losing Your ‘You-ness’

Here’s the plot twist no one tells you, chasing after approval is like wearing someone else’s shoes. Sure, they might look fine, but you’re always half-uncomfortable and worried about stepping in mud. In trying to please everyone, it’s easy to forget what truly lights you up.

When you focus only on being liked:

• You hesitate to share your real thoughts, even if your opinion is interesting or quirky.
• You copy others’ tastes and habits, trying to blend in instead of standing out.
• You overthink every move, just in case someone frowns or thinks you’re “too much.”

The result? You start to drift away from the things that make you, well, you. Each time you hide what you really want to say or do, your “you-ness” shrinks. The approval chase doesn’t just flatten fun, it chips away at the colour in your life. Life starts to feel scripted, and joy loses its sparkle.

Research shows that breaking this habit by learning to trust your own judgment can boost confidence and build resilience (The Impact of Validation on Mental Health). When you stop running after external nods, your personality can breathe. You’ll laugh at your own jokes and wear funky socks because you like them, not because someone else gave a thumbs-up.

Approval isn’t worth losing your spark. When you put your real self back in the spotlight, life feels lighter and way more fun.

How to Break Free and Validate Yourself

Letting go of outside approval doesn’t mean you turn into a rock with zero feelings. Instead, it’s like discovering your own secret applause, the kind that sticks around even if no one else is watching. Here are three simple, quirky ways to spot those old habits and flip the script, so you can root for yourself like you truly mean it.

Catch Yourself in the Act: Spot Those Compliment Cravings and “Like” Obsessions

We all do it, that sneaky scroll through comments after sharing a photo, or the not-so-subtle fishing for a “You did great!” when we’re feeling unsure. The trick is to catch these moments as they happen.

Here are signs you might be chasing outside approval (spoiler: it’s sneakier than you think):

• Refreshing your phone right after a post… for the sixth time.
• Bringing up your work “casually” in hopes someone will notice how well you did.
• Feeling let down if you don’t get instant feedback after sharing news.

If you recognise yourself doing any of these, don’t panic. I make these moves too! Sometimes, just pausing and saying, “I see what you’re doing there,” is enough to break the auto-pilot. The more you notice these patterns, the easier it gets to let them drift by without running after them.

If you’re curious why these patterns are so easy to fall into, check out this article on why it’s so important to validate yourself and how to start for more science-backed insight.

Get Friendly with Your Inner Voice: Self-Talk That’s Not Cheesy

Photo by Anna Tarazevich

We all have a narrator upstairs. Sometimes, it’s a supportive coach. Other times, it sounds like a cranky sports commentator pointing out every fumble. Becoming friendly with your own voice can feel awkward, but it’s key to building real self-validation.

Swap criticism for curiosity. If you catch yourself thinking, “That was so dumb,” try something like:

• “What can I learn from this?”
• “I didn’t nail it, but I tried.”
• “This was new for me, progress counts.”

Give your strengths airtime, too. You don’t have to shout affirmations in the mirror (unless you want to). Instead, write down three things you did well each day. Did you finally fix that leaky faucet? Survived a tough work call? Count it! Over time, these small wins add up.

Want more fun ideas? Try a quick daily reflection or gratitude journal—even silly doodles and colour-coding can keep things light. Check out these simple strategies for self-validation and activities to build self-esteem for more creative boosts.

Set Sweet Boundaries: Protect Your Confidence Like It’s Gold

Not everyone deserves front-row seats to your life. Some people (or online spaces) feel like plants that haven’t been watered in years, they drain your energy and spark. Setting boundaries isn’t rude; it’s basic self-care.

Here’s how to start protecting your space:

• Disconnect from people who make you doubt yourself more than you laugh.
• Unfollow accounts that turn your newsfeed into a contest ground.
• Limit time in chats or circles that revolve around gossip, comparison, or one-upping.

It’s not about building walls, it’s about choosing who gets to influence your mood. If some spaces zap your self-trust, feel free to take breaks (or a one-way exit). Your confidence is worth guarding, and it grows much stronger away from toxic crowds.

Looking for even more ideas? There are plenty of fun ways to boost self-confidence that help you hold your ground and find your spark again.

Whichever step you try first, remember: validation isn’t locked outside. The switch has always been in your pocket. Give it a flip and watch what happens.

Conclusion

Chasing other people’s approval keeps me spinning in circles, always waiting for permission to enjoy my own life. The more I look outside for acceptance, the more I sideline my real wants and my true voice. Validation isn’t something I need to hunt down. I’ve got the switch for self-approval right here.

Time to hit it. I’m calling it: popcorn for breakfast? Thumbs up from me. New dance moves in the kitchen? Full points. The next time I catch myself waiting for someone else’s nod, I’ll celebrate my own wins instead.

Ready to join me? Pick one thing to cheer yourself on for today—out loud, with a happy dance, or maybe a slice of cake just because. I’d love to hear your favourite self-congratulations moment in the comments. Thanks for reading and remember: you really are your best hype squad.