Mastering Verbal De-Escalation
Mastering verbal de-escalation is an important skill in all self defence situations. Physical or verbal escalation can either happen with an intent to cause harm. Such as sexual assault or even someone who just wants to start a physical fight for no reason.
VERBAL DE-ESCALATION TECHNIQUES FOR SELF DEFENCE
As martial artist we are trained to avoid violence at all costs. Hopefully, you’ll do this by practicing situational awareness and staying clear of dangerous areas. However, the life we all live in is extremely unpredictable. While some situations may be pre-meditated, others violent situation can occur unexpectedly and spontaneously.
In this case, you need to decide whether you can verbally de-escalate, get away, or respond with a pre-emptive strike/fight back.
This blog explains when verbal de-escalation is a suitable solution and how to do it effectively.
WHEN SHOULD I USE DE-ESCALATION TECHNIQUES
There are 2 main types of violence and being aware of them will help you determine whether you can de-escalate verbally or not. Please keep in mind that you will not be able to de-escalate every situation.
TYPES OF VIOLENCE
- SPONTANEOUS – is defined as happening without any apparent external cause, done by one’s own free choice, without planning, random and without warning.
- PRE-MEDITATED – is defined as planned, considered or estimated in advance; deliberate.
WHAT IS SPONTANEOUS VIOLENCE?
Spontaneous violence occurs in an emotionally-charged environment when the person feels disempowered, disrespected or that an injustice has occurred.
Some examples of spontaneous violence includes accidentally spilling a drink on someone in a club, jumping the queue at the shop, taking a parking spot or cutting someone off in traffic.
In these type of scenarios, your emotions will rise and rational thinking has gone out the window. If both parties are confrontational and agitated then violence can erupt. However, if you can keep your emotions in check then, 9 times out of 10, you can verbally de-escalate and avoid a physical altercation. Now you can start mastering verbal de-escalation.
Most people don’t leave the house in the morning wanting a fight. Sometimes a chain of unfortunate events can escalate their emotions and your interaction with them becomes the last straw – the event that tips them over the edge. Remember: it’s not about saving face, it’s about staying safe
WHAT IS PRE-MEDITATED VIOLENCE ?
Pre-meditated violence is where a person is intent on causing harm or violence. This could be a pre-meditated attack, where the predator sources a victim and plans what they will do. They view the victim as a resource or a toy for their own amusement, such as sexual assault.
Alternatively, it could be someone who is already angry and goes out looking for a reason to start a fight. The first person to get in their way or irritate them becomes the target of their displaced aggression.
With a pre-meditated violence, it is virtually impossible to de-escalate the situation verbally. In this case, you need to get away, pre-emptive strike, or fight back (if the attack came as an ambush).
HOW TO DECIDE TO USE VERBAL DE-ESCALATION? (Mastering verbal de-escalation)
Ask yourself three questions to determine whether to verbally de-escalate or not:
-
WAS IT PLANNED?
If the attack was planned, the verbal de-escalation is not a likely option. Example If someone attempts to rob you by threatening you with a knife then it was planned. It is unlikely you can talk them down. Throw them your wallet or decoy purse etc. and get away.
-
ARE THEY IN THE RIGHT STATE OF MIND?
If an attacker is drunk, on drugs or clearly have mental health issues. Again it will be hard to de-escalate verbally. These people are not thinking rationally and are unlikely to respond to a reasoned conversation.
-
HOW AGGRESSIVE DO THEY APPEAR?
Make a judgement call as to how annoyed does this person appear. Are they agitated with a raised voice and getting more wound up? Or are they screaming, bright red and posturing for a fight? The more aggressive they seem, the more difficult it will be to de-escalate.
If you have come to the conclusion that:
-
It was spontaneous (and not planned)
-
They are rational enough to have a dialogue with
-
They aren’t too angry and it is safe to talk to them
Here is a guide you follow to verbal de-escalation.
MASTERING VERBAL DE-ESCALATION
While talking someone down or de-escalating conflict, it is crucial that you stay safe by:
-
Stand in a de-escalation way (both hands up and palms facing the potential attacker
-
Never turning your back on the aggressor
-
Maintaining at least 2 arm lengths of distance between you
-
Observing what is happening around you (are their friends joining in, is the situation a distraction for an accomplice etc.)
-
Being ready to run away or fight if it doesn’t work.
HOW TO HAVE CLEAR MINDSET
During the verbal de-escalation process, you will going through a plan of agreeing, apologising, acknowledging and looking for a solution. You will be doing this regardless if you feel they are being unreasonable or a wrong. Because we all want to achieve the same outcome of avoiding violence.
Inside, you may feel angry, upset or even have a bruised ego. What you need to understand here is that you need to whatever you can, in order protect yourself and escape without injury.
This behaviour shouldn’t be mistaken as being submissive or a victim. You are also not letting your aggressor of getting away with bad behaviour. What you are doing is leaving your ego behind and taking control of the situation with confidence. Just like a martial artist is always taught. Your ego can be your worst enemy.
The you need to mentally think things like ‘it’s not a big issue, we can mutually work this out, I understand where you’re coming from’.
VERBAL DE-ESCALATION PROCESS
I would suggest following these 4 steps to dissolve a social conflict and learn how to mastering verbal de-escalation.
-
APOLOGISE
Even if it’s not your fault, it is important to apologise from the outset to re-empower the aggressor.
-
ACKNOWLEDGE
Acknowledge their right to feel angry/upset/frustrated.
-
AGREE WITH THEM
Empathise with them and agree that what happened is frustrating.
-
OFFER TO FIX THE PROBLEM
Give a solution that puts the situation right. Let’s say that you’re at a club and someone bumps into you and you accidentally spill your drink on someone. A simple solution is say “ I am sorry that happened, please let me buy you another drink “
HOW DIFFERENT SITUATIONS COULD BE RESOLVED
-
I truly apologise, I didn’t notice you were waiting for the parking spot. I understand how that feels, it has happened you me as well. I’ll just move my car and you be ready to drive in. Some people may respond no worries, you take it.
-
If another girl thinks your staring at her simply say “ I am sorry for staring but I was just admiring your outfit, it really suits you “ “ Can I asked where you brought it” Have a great evening.
-
I am so sorry, I didn’t realise you were queuing in this line too. Shopping centres are so busy at this time of year. They really should open more checkouts. Since you were here first please go in front of me, I hate it when people push in.
In most cases, your calm, confident apology should diffuse the situation. If the person is still angry and wants to argue then there are some additional steps you can take:
-
REPEAT YOUR APOLOGY
Sometimes the person in question might not have heard you, or taken it seriously . By rephrasing and repeating what you said this will help to show how genuine you are being.
-
FIND COMMON GROUND
Look for some common ground that you can pick up on. This makes more of a connection with them. A similar situation that you relate to.
-
OFFER ANOTHER SOLUTION (Mastering verbal de-escalation)
Depending on the circumstances and level of danger you face, you may need to come up with a better or bigger solution.
- FINAL ATTEMPT TO RESOLVE
If you ever find yourself in a situation where they will not seem to calm done. Try to make a final attempt to resolve the issue asking the question ‘What can I do to put this right?’. If they say you can’t, continues to yell or starts to threaten you. Then you need to get away or be prepared to make a pre-emptive strike. Mastering verbal de-escalation.If you can make a safe escape, make your exit but without turning your back on them. This is situational awareness 101. Never turn your back on a potential attacker or give them the opportunity to get close to you and attack.If you can’t get away, feel in imminent danger and that they are going to attack you, then you need to act first with a pre-emptive physical response. Don’t wait to get hit first as the damage from the first blow can be severe and it can be hard to come back after that.
DE-ESCALATION/COMPLIANCE
When you’re face-to-face with a potentially attacker, as I stated previously is to avoid an unnecessary confrontation in the first place. For instance, like most people you have probably have seen on the news where road rage has gotten out of hand. The best thing to do in that scenario is don’t pull your car over. You have nothing to prove to the other driver, or anyone else. Confronting someone with this mindset will only escalate the situation and possibly even place you in serious danger. Just stay in your vehicle, continue to drive safely, and contact the police if necessary.
If you’re face-to-face don’t challenge or agitate them any further. If possible remain calm, refrain from continuing any argument. Sometimes it’s better to just agree with that person. Even if they dead wrong,but don’t you think it’s better to placate them and walk away unscathed than to risk a violent confrontation.
HOW TO STAY SAFE WITH MASTERING VERBAL DE-ESCALATION
When engaging with an aggressive person, try to keep a 2-to-3-foot radius around you on all sides. This will render you less vulnerable to attack and also prevent you from appearing like an aggressor. Simply giving the other person space can help to de-escalate the situation. However, if someone invades your space, you have a choice to make. You need to quickly decide whether you’re going to get away or prepare to defend yourself.
Place your hands at about the level of your chest and ask the person to calm down. Speak to them in a calm, controlled voice while keeping your hands at chest-level. This positioning of your hands will enable you to defend yourself if an attack should occur, as your hands will be closer to your face. If the person continues to pose a threat, look the person directly in the eyes and use verbal cues such as:
MORE VALUABLE INFORMATION
- Stop I don’t want to fight
- Leave me alone I have not done anything wrong
- Walk away from the situation
- I’m not talking to you until you cool down
- I want nothing to do with this
Be firm, stand your ground, and then try to walk away. If you have friends nearby, return to them. There is strength in numbers. If you’re able to leave the premises, do so right away. Call out for help and even get the police if you need to. Even if you think you can handle yourself, you don’t want to get into a fight if you don’t absolutely have to. The aggressor may be armed, they may have reinforcements, or they may pursue criminal charges or legal action if you get the better of them. It’s not worth it.
WHAT CAN I DO IF I AM ATTACKED
Knowing how to deal with an angry person is only half the battle. In many cases, you can do everything right and still find yourself on the receiving end of violence. If you are attacked despite your best efforts for prevention, you’re going to have to defend yourself. Here are some important points to consider: This tips will you in mastering verbal de-escalation.
- When it comes to self-defense, use all of your attacker’s vulnerabilities: groin, throat, eyes. You’re fighting for your life, so you must be prepared to do what it takes.
- If multiple people are confronting you, don’t get caught in the middle of them. Always try to stay on the outside.
- If there is something within reach that can be used as a weapon, use it to your advantage. Please check your self defence laws in your country (As this maybe illegal in your country)
- Most importantly, if the violent person is someone close to you (a spouse, a significant other, a parent, a son or daughter), remove yourself from that situation and reach out to the authorities immediately. Domestic abuse of any kind should never be tolerated, and it will continue if left unchecked.
FINAL THOUGHTS ON MASTERING VERBAL DE-ESCALATION
It is possible to successfully de-escalate a social violence situation, remember:
-
It’s not about winning or losing an argument or fight
-
Even if you are raging underneath, play the role authentically and say what is necessary to avoid violence
-
Be genuine in your apology and desire to make things right
-
Your attitude should be calm and confident. The situation isn’t a big deal to you and you would like to fix it
-
Don’t be submissive or victim-like. Take control and offer solutions
-
Re-empower the aggressor, give them their respect back and fix any perceived injustice
-
Don’t get drawn into extended arguments or debates. Use your own judgement and instinct about how well verbal de-escalation is working and whether you need to get away or be ready to use a physical response.