Shedding The Light On Emotional Abuse

emotional abuse

 

 

SHEDDING THE LIGHT ON EMOTIONAL ABUSE

 

Shedding the light on emotional abuse is probably one of the hardest blogs I will write. I have spent the majority of my life subjected to this type of abuse by someone who was purpose to protect, guide and show unconditional love. It began when I was 16 years old and started with criticising my schoolwork, body shaming, telling me I am not smart, and I would never become anything.

 Even-though, I was always aware that the situation was wrong and even back then I started to stand my ground. During adulthood he body shamed me on my wedding day and insulted my intelligence.  Also he would try to sabotage anything from job interviews or any goals I was achieving. Even though in the end I realised that success was my best weapon by achieving what they could not.

The one thing I wanted more than anything growing up.  I had wished there was more information (This was before we had internet), as I felt like I was completely alone. Due to this I would barely eat, struggled with trust (I still have trouble with this) and self-doubt. Eventually I realised no matter what I did, it was never going to be good enough. So I stopped trying to get his approval.

I think the worse part was that he would play mind games with me, so I began to doubt my own sanity. In my situation he would only put me down when we were alone. But as soon as someone else was there, he would whisper don’t get mad and then put on this mask. Twisting my words to make me look like I was the bad person, all while playing the victim.

SIGNS OF EMOTIONAL/VERBAL ABUSE

• Calling you names, insulting you and always criticizing you
• Telling you will never be anything without them or you never find anyone better.
• Withholding affection or sex as a form of punishment
• Is overly possessive and shows you no trust by accusing you of cheating.
• Gaslighting
• Body Shaming

EFFECTS OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE 

• Lack of trust
• Anxiety
• Guilt
• Anger
• Sadness
• Depression
• Doubting yourself and worthiness which could make it harder to leave.

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF

•  Disengage your feelings, realize that when they are insulting you, they are trying to get a reaction out of you. By controlling your feelings, you are taking away their power to intimidate and control you.
• Set clear boundaries.
• Get counselling.
• If verbal abuse escalates into physical abuse, you need to leave.
• Get a support system of family and friends.
• Knowledge is your greatest power so constantly research what you are going through.

MORE INFORMATION 

Breaking The Silence Domestic Violence

This is how we begin to start shedding the light on emotional abuse. Unfortunately I am aware just how difficult this is to go through. You need to keep being mentally strong because the more they think they can get away with this type of behaviour. They will keep doing it. One thing I have done from a young age is teach my boys to be respectful to girls/women and that violence towards women is not acceptable behaviour.  I still find myself struggling at times as I am trying to heal from my childhood trauma.  It is important to understand you are not the problem. That it is not your job to fix them it is theirs. We are not victims, we are survivors.

 

UNMASKING NARCISSISM AND RECOGNISING THE SIGNS 

Unmasking narcissism and recognising the signs . This is another form of verbal/emotional abuse. Where the perpetrator uses manipulation tactics to make you doubt your own self-worth. They do this by making other people believe that they are someone that they are not, by using a smoke and mirror effect by putting on an outward appearance. Phycologists classify 3 A’s of narcissist supply of a never-ending desire for adoration, adulation and attention from their victims.

HOW TO RECOGNISE A NARCISSISM

MANIPULATION AT THE START OF A RELATIONSHIP

In the beginning of a relationship, the abuser will manipulate his attended target with certain tactics. But you will also find he will use these exact same tactics (Love Bombing) during the relationship when you hit a rough patch. Or feels you are pulling away from him both physically or emotionally. When a narcissist thinks they have lost control over you, and when you are becoming suspicious that he’s not who he appears to be.

At the beginning they will come across as the ideal partner and you may even feel they are too good to be true. This type of person draws you in order to gain your trust by acting vulnerable and emotionally open. You may share common interests, values, be a good listener and shower you with gifts or affection.

If you ever set a boundary with them and call out their behaviour. They will appear as though they have changed. And starts to pile on the affection again or gives gifts out of the blue. This is a trick to keep you in line, only for them to treat you poorly again.

GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting a tactic they love to use because it causes you to feel confusion, self doubt, you lose your perception of every situation and can make you even feel a little self conscious. You know in your heart that something wrong with the situation. But you don’t know what it is. Even though my abuser is no longer in my life, I still find myself second guessing myself and wonder if a situation is as bad as I imagine. It starts to feel like your reality when you’re afraid that you’re over reacting and you’re trying to defend yourself against something you can’t quite identify.

Gaslighting messes with your sense of reality and creates a reaction in you: anger, frustration, sadness or confusion. When you react, they imply your reactions aren’t rational or normal. They often will appear calm and rational which can make you feel helplessness and not in control. Let’s say it appears they want to provide you with  sincere advice and help, but you are feeling controlled and demeaned. If you get offended, he might say I was just trying to be nice. Using words and frames questions in a way that your healthy response seems selfish, mean, or unreasonable. After patronising you and minimising your feelings, they act surprised at your response and expresses loving concern at your “instability.”

TWISTING YOUR WORDS

Another favourite of theirs is twisting your words and accusing you all while smiling/smirking and pretending they support your dreams. Conversations between you are often confusing. They can bring up something unrelated to the original conversation, often throwing an insult about you. You find yourself getting defensive because they bring up old insecurities. It is almost like they get this weird enjoyment of twisting your words and misrepresents your motives, thoughts, and feelings.

PLAYING THE VICTIM

Do you ever feel that if you have a complaint or wanted to discuss something that hurts your feelings?. Narcissists love to play the victim because it works to get sympathy and excuse their behaviour. They end up using our compassion and empathy against us. This tactic makes us feel that their feelings are our responsibility and fault. But what we feel is not as important.

What you may see:

• tries to get your sympathy
• says that your the problem in the relationship
• makes you feel that his feelings are your fault
• acts insulted
• make it out like you betrayed them
•  says/implies that that they can never please you and that you don’t appreciate them.
• blames all problems on you or others e.g. work, car problems or even past relationships.

PUTDOWNS AND SHAMING

Putdowns and shaming are often done through either verbally or body language. I have listed some of these below.

• They will use your insecurities against you
• Adding a negative comment with a compliment, or says the negative and then says they love you.
• Claim something that has a slight put down element to it and then claims that it was only a joke.
• Uses a condescending tone, implies disdain, provokes you, minimises your feelings. If you react, they feigns surprise and points out how aggressive or unstable you are.
• They change the conversation to be all about them
• They withholds any praise, support or love, making you feel neglected and dejected.

MINIMISING/DIVERTING / RATIONALISING 

When you confront a narcissist with something they have done, you may notice these reactions.

• They make it seem like you’re overreacting
• Suggests that you took it the wrong way or misunderstood
• Says you’re too demanding.
• You’re making a mountain out of a molehill
• Tells you that  you’re “exaggerating”
• States you’re just too sensitive
• Blames you for reacting to the situation
• “I was only joking”

PUNISHMENT/ SILENT TREATMENT

Usually they give you the silent treatment, another form of subtle retaliation. Or they may withhold intimacy as a form of punishment. Other times they might emotionally withdraw when they don’t get what they want, as a way to punish and manipulate you.

COVERT CONTROL

Covert control can be hard to identify because the narcissist doesn’t use obvious tactics such as controlling the finances, who you hang out with or where you go.

But will undermine any attempts for you to have your own life. Often they will do this in subtle ways e.g not encouraging you, making scheduling events hard, criticising someone else who is a survivor, by making family visits miserable.

There is always a plausible deniability with this behaviour; it can always be excused or interpreted differently. Maybe they will speak for you and interrupts your input in conversations. So you’ll give up making you appear more passive. Also you may see that they come across jealous if you give your attention to anyone else, including your children, family, friends and your career .

SABOTAGE

One of things you may notice if you have a important outing, family gatherings or a job opportunity. A narcissist will go out of their away to sabotage you, using methods like put-downs, causing unnecessary arguments, insulting you, covertly making you doubt your abilities or talents and causing drama any way they can.

ACCUSATIONS

Covert narcissists have a tendency to project what he’s own misgivings onto you. What they accuse you of is almost always what they doing themselves, but can’t admit it.  Let’s say you were honest about something that was bothering you. They would accuse you of lying. Another example maybe that you wanted to help them do something and yet they accuse you of having a hidden agenda.

SMEAR CAMPAIGN

Anyone who has ever dealt with this type of abuse has experienced a smear campaign. I remember having to go my abusers funeral. I remember thinking in my head all this pain would now exit my life. Only to find out after seeing family members that I had not seen in over 10 years. I was getting dirty looks and notice certain people avoiding me. Once I even tested out my theory and went up to one that I noticed didn’t come up me to offer condolences.  Saying “Oh I am sorry I didn’t see you before”. Only for them to say “I did and I kept going “. As I had moved to a completely different state 11 years ago, they no one had a reason to act this way. This is when I realised he had been doing a smear campaign against me.

What this means is that they will  insult your character to people they  know. This can also include your own family, friends or co-workers. They do this subtly, often under the guise of “concern” for you, implying that you are unstable, untrustworthy, a bad person, and they are the victim.

A smear campaign is used to accomplish many things:

• It makes you look like an abuser or unstable person
• deflects your accusations of abuse
• provokes you into responding, thus “proving” your instability to others when trying to argue against his depiction of you and lies about you.
• you feel alone in your time of need
• It makes you doubt yourself, and feel out of your mind and helpless that people would believe the lies about you.

 

HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF

• Educate yourself the more information you have, it will be easier to understand what you are dealing with.  Knowledge is power and there is a lot a fantastic information and help out there.
• Set clear boundaries make sure you enforce this and don’t make idol threats, they need to understand you are serious. Please do not do this if they are physically violent as well. Note not all narcissists are physically violent.
• Find a support network.
• Do not blame yourself.
• Remember it is not your job to fix them and it is okay to put yourself or family first.
• Disengage yourself emotionally.
• They will not change no matter how much you want them too.
• Focus on yourself and start doing things that make you happy.

 

4 STAGES OF NARCISSISM

• Idealisation – they quickly want to connect with you, find you unique, speed up the relationship and put you on a pedestal.
• Devaluation – they start to make you feel insecure, they can start calling you names, passive aggressive behaviour or give you back handed compliments.
• Repetition – this is where they switch between idealisation and devaluation over and over again to make you doubt your own self-worth.
• Discard – when the narcissist starts to reject you, they are angry at things that make no sense and no longer need this relationship.

FINAL THOUGHTS

 

If you ever decide to leave a narcissist you will need to cut off all contact with them. Otherwise they will start to love bomb you again and try to win you back. By tying to make you remember why you fell in love with them to begin with.  Just so they can start this cycle of abuse all over again.

In order to heal you first need to recognise what you are going through and that you have been subjected to this type of abuse. Please seek some counselling as it will be a long road to recovery. Be patient with yourself and know you are not to blame in anyway.

By unmasking narcissism and recognising the signs in will help protect yourself in the long run. The one thing I want you to remember is you are not alone, you are stronger than you think, and you are a survivor.

https://ourwatch.org.au

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